I feel like I am gradually crawling out from under a big heavy boulder that smooshed me last week. Yes, I seem to have some Post Traumatic Stress Disorder going on. I have a new therapist and my belief, and the one that my Nurse Practitioner (in charge of my meds) has as well, is that I have jumped in and possibly pushed the work too far for now. I need baby steps. My NP actually suggested that if it continues I may need to take a leave from school. Wha??? I am not about to let that happen. Needless to say, I’ve been trying to be very gentle with myself. I don’t really want the focus of my blog to be about my mental illness, but since this is a mish-mash of my life in general, I do want to touch on it from time to time. And right now, it has pretty much been in the forefront of my day to day living. Everything from showering to getting to class takes enormous will.
However, along with the sadness is anger. Or even rage. Every time this particular issue from my past comes into my thoughts (which isn’t often) I feel re-victimized, and I seem to go back and feel everything from those days. And that pisses me off. The fact that now, 31 years later, with a good relationship and wonderful kids, I get hurt again, my life and my family’s life gets thrown into chaos. At any time!! Which I guess would piss anyone off. I can only stuff it down and ignore it for so long, then the floodgates open and I’m a living, breathing, open wound. I get so tired….so tired of dealing with being mentally ill. It looms over me like a cloud. Even in the good days, I am apprehensive, waiting for the tide to turn and drag me with it. For now, I’ve staved off the darkness and am back to at least taking care of myself and my home. I’m on the mend. And that’s a really really good feeling.
How am I taking care of myself? Well, I’m back to my usual eating patterns, no more gak. I’m also exercising again after missing a week. I’m getting more housework done. I’m showering. Yep, I’m showering. Alert the media. But some days, just showering is enough. And that’s okay!
What did I eat today?
-Earl Grey tea with honey and half and half
-roasted cauliflower with a mustard dressing…..omg…so good. I admit to making an entire head of the stuff, and then eating probably 3/4 of it. But it was a small head. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
-1/2 a pear with some brie
-lamb gyro burgers (ground lamb with spices) and homemade tzatziki sauce
-I made a salad for the family, and I really want some, but I don’t do well with too many raw veggies
-bottle of my homemade kombucha
-white chai tea with honey and half and half
And now I’m off to watch Jeopardy. Have a good night!!